In Need of a 12 Step Program
{Queue musical theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey}
I am slowly facing the fact that returning to civilization is inevitable. We have walls and electricity and flooring and, well, before you know it, we will have a kitchen, and laundry, and refrigeration and be able to cook with fire and clean with running water. My children will be able to take a turd in our downstairs bathroom. My God, I’m not sure I can take it. My greatest fear is that I will fail at becoming human again.
I fear that I will not remember what it was like to wear clean clothes for an entire day and for some inexplicable reason I may regress to the point where I slap some paint on my person just because "that is what I have known" for the last six years. Maybe I’ll jam some splinters in my legs, step on a few nails, drop some acidic liquid in my eyes, or partially cut my thumb off with my table saw just for "old time sake." Maybe I’ll have my children whack me in the shins with a two-by just to feel that pain again.…Or perhaps I’ll find myself driven to cruising the aisles of Home Depot, like some sadistic "John" trying to get my S&M fix by, first, looking for help, and then, second, actually asking the moronic sales person a question…I’m not sure if I can live a normal life again.
I may have become like one of those prisoners who "can’t take it on the outside." What if I become like the Christopher Walken character in The Deer Hunter, and I find myself in the garage with a partially loaded nail gun pointed at my head yelling "Di-di mao!"
What about friends??? I don’t remember what it was like to have friends come over to my home and not be like "Jeebus, you live here?" Will I actually be able to sit down, have a beer, and watch a game? Will I still be able to remember how to cast a fly rod? Will my children want me hanging around them (more than I already do)? What if I’ve become addicted to the trans-fatty acid of McDonalds? Once you have sunk to these depths, is it possible to make that long, arduous, crawl back to civilization?
Friends, I need help. Is there a 12 Step Program for people who are coming down from a six-year house binger? If not, do you have some practical advice that will bring me back to civilization….?
I am slowly facing the fact that returning to civilization is inevitable. We have walls and electricity and flooring and, well, before you know it, we will have a kitchen, and laundry, and refrigeration and be able to cook with fire and clean with running water. My children will be able to take a turd in our downstairs bathroom. My God, I’m not sure I can take it. My greatest fear is that I will fail at becoming human again.
I fear that I will not remember what it was like to wear clean clothes for an entire day and for some inexplicable reason I may regress to the point where I slap some paint on my person just because "that is what I have known" for the last six years. Maybe I’ll jam some splinters in my legs, step on a few nails, drop some acidic liquid in my eyes, or partially cut my thumb off with my table saw just for "old time sake." Maybe I’ll have my children whack me in the shins with a two-by just to feel that pain again.…Or perhaps I’ll find myself driven to cruising the aisles of Home Depot, like some sadistic "John" trying to get my S&M fix by, first, looking for help, and then, second, actually asking the moronic sales person a question…I’m not sure if I can live a normal life again.
I may have become like one of those prisoners who "can’t take it on the outside." What if I become like the Christopher Walken character in The Deer Hunter, and I find myself in the garage with a partially loaded nail gun pointed at my head yelling "Di-di mao!"
What about friends??? I don’t remember what it was like to have friends come over to my home and not be like "Jeebus, you live here?" Will I actually be able to sit down, have a beer, and watch a game? Will I still be able to remember how to cast a fly rod? Will my children want me hanging around them (more than I already do)? What if I’ve become addicted to the trans-fatty acid of McDonalds? Once you have sunk to these depths, is it possible to make that long, arduous, crawl back to civilization?
Friends, I need help. Is there a 12 Step Program for people who are coming down from a six-year house binger? If not, do you have some practical advice that will bring me back to civilization….?
posted by Patrick at 2:39 PM
1 Comments:
maybe we should start one. I think I'm too far gone, but maybe there's hope for us yet.
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